


A Joke Too Far

by DivineVarod



Series: Arnold J Rimmer A Journey to Happyness [1]
Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Closeted Character, Delirium, Guilt, Mental Breakdown, Other, Pre-Slash, hero - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-12
Updated: 2015-08-12
Packaged: 2018-04-14 06:12:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,875
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4553820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DivineVarod/pseuds/DivineVarod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An ill-thought-out prank by Lister has serious consequences for a desperate to be a hero Rimmer. When Lister finds out Rimmer might die because of one of his jokes he wants to do anything to make it up to him. Only Cat -who’s natural perception has become heightened after being almost poisoned by his own clothes - knows what Lister should do now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A Joke Too Far

**Author's Note:**

  * For [emergencyfruit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/emergencyfruit/gifts), [Chris Barrie](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Chris+Barrie), [Danny John Jules](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Danny+John+Jules).



_(1. Morning, Rimmer is in bed. He is awake but keeps his eyes shut very, very tightly. Suddenly a loud drilling noise starts pulsating through Red Dwarf. The second it starts Rimmer jumps from his bed and starts down the corridor to the control room.  
  
2\. In the control room Lister and Cat are huddled round Kryten who is using a drill attached to his groinal socket. Rimmer enters looking beyond furious. Lister, Kryten and Cat – whom is wearing a beautiful fluorescent gold suit- ignore him, as they continue working and frantically planning for something important. In his anger Rimmer seems oblivious to what they are saying.)  
_  
**Rimmer:** Right!! That's it!! I've had enough!! No, I've had more then enough, I am BEYOND having enough!! In fact I am so beyond having enough that I have just passed fed up station, am heading into exasperated city and will soon reach bazookoid up arse depot!! What the smeg has gotten into you?? Every morning for the last three weeks drilling, hammering _(to Lister)_ mindless singing, Kryten clunking about, Cat doing … _(turns to Cat in horror)_ What the hell WERE you doing?!!  
  
**Cat** _(excited)_ : It's the season...  
  
_(Cat affectionately nuzzles his head against Listers shoulder, Lister quickly brushes him off.)_  
  
**Rimmer** _(vexed)_ : I DON'T want to know!! The point I am trying to make here is: there has been a cavalcade of non stop noise on this ship every morning while I need quiet. I need to think.

 **Cat:** Why?

 **Rimmer** : I am on course to find myself. I need to know who I am …  
  
**Cat:** Why?  
  
**Rimmer:** Because I have the feeling that I am wasting my life …  
  
**Lister:** Rimmer, you're dead …  
  
**Rimmer** _(hurt)_ : That is beside the point. Then I've been wasting the best years of my death. I need to know who I am and what I want. And to find out I need a quiet morning alone in my bed.  
  
_(Cat sniggers, then turns his attention to Kryten. They are checking a map.)_  
  
**Lister:** You are Arnold Judas Rimmer and no-one cares what you want. _(Thinks)_ Why you need to think early in the morning anyway? Why can't you think in the afternoon?  
  
**Rimmer:** It has been scientifically proven that that certain space between sleep and waking is the key moment of your day. It is the time where you are send a message from beyond stating your life's path. This is the moment where all the great writers were sent the inspiration for their greatest works. _(To Lister)_ Even the most insignificant of beings, like you Lister, are told what to do with their day.  
  
**Lister:** Oh come on, that's all just 50 shades of smeg! I don't need my brain telling me that, it's always the same: turn pants, grab socks, eat flakes, check control room. It's been the same for 3 million years.  
  
**Rimmer:** That's because you don't LISTEN!! That's the exact pattern I am trying to break. Please, give me a few days of peace and quiet and everything will change.  
  
**Cat** _(Looking up from the map)_ :And now I'm scared.  
  
**Lister:** That's just total smeg, even for you, Rimmer. You, the guy with the lowest self esteem in the universe, with the smeggiest luck in the galaxy. What do you think you're gonna find?  
  
**Rimmer:** Me, the Arnold J Rimmer that is bursting to come out.  
  
**Cat:** He's gay???  
  
**Rimmer** _(Not really listening)_ : Who knows _(realises)_. What??  
  
_(Lister and Cat smirk at each other.)_  
  
**Kryten:** Mr Lister is right Sir. What happens if you find yourself but realise you don't like yourself?

 **Rimmer:** Then I'll find someone else. But come on, that's never gonna happen. I haven’t found myself yet, but I'm pretty sure I'm perfect. _(Nods at some books in his corner.)_ We have already started our first steps towards a brilliant and bright future.  
  
_(They stare at each other and everyone knows what Rimmer wants to do, and they are not happy.)_

 **Lister:** Oh God, no Rimmer, not again!!

 _(Cat just stares at them in horror, suddenly utters a “no” and runs out.)_  
  
**Kryten:** Sir, I have been warning you about the rain of fire comets and the black hole storms approaching us for the last few weeks. For the last half hour I have wanted to tell you that they are beginning today and will continue for the next eight consecutive nights.  
  
**Rimmer** _(With disdain)_ : Yes, so?  
  
**Kryten** _(trying to keep his patience)_ : You might recall Sir, that within the next two hours I will begin my yearly downtime recharge. I will slowly shut down and be about as useful as an inflatable dartboard. Despite this the ship will automatically require someone present and correct to steer it away from danger at all time 24/7. Still I detect Mr Rimmer thought it a good idea to once more take an exam next week.  
  
**Rimmer** _(Indignant)_ : Yes!! No more excuses, whatever happens: this time I will pass an exam!!

 **Lister** _(starting)_ : Rimmer, why ... _(not finishing, desperate)_ Why …??  
  
**Rimmer** _(feeling angry and humiliated)_ : WHY?? I have spent years taking charge of this ship, navigating fire comets and dark holes, being imprisoned by GELFS nano-bots and hallucinations, dying time and time again fighting smeg knows what. I have been through more then any captain or officer. You have too Lis … _(stops himself from complimenting Lister)_ We ALL have!! But we have nothing to show for it. It's been years since I had my last go and the universe owes me a break,in fact it's long overdue.

_(Kryten looks at Lister in a judging way.)_

**Kryten:** Sir … You still haven't told him?  
  
**Lister** _(guilty)_ : I know I should have, but I was afraid he'd go all smug and slimy again if I did.  
  
_(Rimmer turns to Lister curiously.)_

 **Rimmer:** Tell me what?

 _(Before Lister can reply Cat walks in looking sick, staggering a bit.)_  
  
**Cat:** I did something disgusting ... _(To Rimmer)_ Probably your fault.  
  
**Lister:** Cat, are you all right? You look awful!  
  
**Cat** _(Clearly feeling insulted)_ : Say what, hamster-cheeks? _(Points at Lister)_ You look awful, _(points at Rimmer)_ he looks awful, _(points at Kryten)_ he has no look!! I am stylishly ill! _(Runs out again)_ VERY STYLISHLY!! In fact I may have to throw up on some fabric as this might catch on.  
  
**Lister** _(Grabbing his stomach, runs after him)_ : It already has!!  
  
_(Kryten turns to a screen.)_

 **Rimmer:** Right ... _(Slumps on a chair. With weary resignation)_ Don't tell me: Lister and The Cat are ill, you're going on downtime and I have to do everything this week.  
  
**Kryten** _(reading the screen, pressing a button)_ : Not exactly sir...  
  
_(Lister and Cat re-enter, but are sucked out of the room by the Red Dwarf quarantine system as the alarm starts to sound.)_  
  
**Kryten:** Lister and Cat are ill AND Space Corps Directive 83832 requires that they be in quarantine for the next few days. Other than that you were completely correct, sir!!  
  
**Rimmer:** Of course …  
  
_(3. Quarantine. Lister and Cat are in bed. Kryten stands by Cat's bed, holding a scanner over him. Rimmer hovers by the door.)_  
  
**Kryten:** Mr. Cat, Sir. Remember when we came across that derelict GELF ship and I warned you against scavenging that fluorescent gold fabric but you took it anyhow?  
  
**Cat** _(Deliriously happy)_ : Yes, _(he strokes his sleeves with glee)._ The most beautiful piece I ever made!!  
  
**Kryten:** I'm afraid I must ask you to take it off Sir, so I can burn it.  
  
**Cat:** Burn my suit??!! I'd rather die!!  
  
_(Cat jumps from his bed. Kryten hands the scanner to Rimmer and tries to get the jacket of a heavily protesting Cat.)_  
  
**Rimmer** _(Frowning at the scanner)_ : Judging from these readings your wish could come true!! Cat, you are being poisoned by your clothes!!  
  
_(Kryten grabs a syringe from the table.)_  
  
**Cat:** The irony!! Death by perfection. _(Thinks about it for a second and smiles)_ Hey, if you gotta go!!  
  
**Rimmer** _(Nudges Kryten)_ : Now!!  
  
_(Kryten quickly sedates Cat, and begins taking of his costume.)_  
  
_(4. A sad Rimmer sits in the drive room, staring at himself in the screen of the control screen. His books are on the desk in front of him.)_  
  
**Rimmer** _(To his image)_ **:** Marvellous … Two weeks in quarantine for the both of them! How incredibly selfish!! I really thought this would be my time, just for a few days. Why do I keep kidding myself? I'll never amount to anything. The universe will never let me become something better. I'm so tired of it all ...  
  
_(Kryten has entered the room, hearing Rimmer mutter to himself. He clears his throat. Rimmer recovers himself.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Ah, Kryten. Are the noro boys fully quarantined? _(Kryten nodds)_ Well, shouldn't you start unplugging yourself? I’m surrounded by enough failure as it is without some reject from Madame Tussaud’s stinking up the place for eight smegging days.  
  
**Kryten:** Sir, this is too much for you alone, it means staying awake for more than a 192 hours!! I will fight my programme all the way and stay by your side!!  
  
_(Kryten stands next to Rimmer and puts his hand on his shoulder. Rimmer is almost emotional.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Thank you …  
  
**Kryten:** What for?  
  
**Rimmer:** For staying by my side …  
  
**Kryten:** Why would I do that?  
  
**Rimmer** _(At first confused, then his eyes narrow into a glare)_ : Kryten, what exactly shuts off during your yearly recharge?  
  
**Kryten:** My memory chip … Hang on, it's on again. Oh Sir, I abandoned you already. Oh, I am useless to you sir. You have to go it alone, fight to save us night and day and prove yourself in this mighty task!! I am useless, useless … _(His diodes chirp and Kryten’s face goes blank)_ Why am I crying?  
  
**Rimmer:** Because you're useless to me …

 **Kryten** _(Almost offended)_ : Those who are without sin...

 **Rimmer:** I wasn't insulting you, you silly droid. This is just pathetic!! _(Thinks, then suddenly)_ UNLESS!!  
  
_(5. Rimmer grabs a confused Kryten and drags him to the quarantine room.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Maybe this is not a disaster after all!! In fact this could be my bright shining moment. I Arnold J Rimmer, defending Red Dwarf all by myself and passing the exam at the same time!! I'll be respected, loved, a hero!! This is it, the sign I've been waiting for!! _(He throws Kryten in the quarantine room.)_  
  
**Cat/Lister** _(V/O)_ : Oi!!

 _(Rimmer slams the door and walks off gleefully.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Peace at last!!  
  
_(6. Drive room. Rimmer grabs a book sets himself behind the desk and puts his legs up. He begins reading his book, but then, to his horror, the alarm goes off.  
_

_Montage of the following days, there is not a second’s rests for Rimmer between the urgent needs of both the ship and the crew. He spends his nights fighting fire comets and black holes and his days running after the ill gang, doing tasks Kryten would do and still trying to cram in his study.  
  
Meanwhile in the quarantine room Cat and Lister are having fun making Rimmer do everything for them; laughing at him, calling him into the room whenever they feel like it while Kryten stands slumped in a corner connected to a socket. Rimmer is constantly on the go and we can see him get more tired and grumpy as the days go by.  
  
7\. Day six, Drive room, Rimmer is once more navigating the ship past the fire comets and black holes, and is desperately struggling to keep his eyes open. The “Alarm” signal is beeping. Rimmer's hair is a mess and he looks __very_ _tired.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Come on Arnie, you can do it, you don't need sleep. You're a hero. Ace Rimmer eat your nob off!! _(Immediately he almost nods off, recovers and laughs to himself.)_ Kidding … _(Suddenly the signal says 'safe', and the beeping stops. Rimmer stands up and stretches.)_ Day six and Arnold J Rimmer saves the day yet again _(staggers)_ and he's absolutely knackered. _(He throws himself on the couch.)_ Six nights without sleep, comets, black holes, The Cat, Lister, serving, useless Kryten _(slower and slower)_ surely the ship would allow me five min …. _(snores. Immediately the alarm goes off. Rimmer jumps from the couch and for some reason his hologram projection flickers for less than a second. He screams in apparent pain and shock.)_ You useless pile of junk!  
  
_(8. In Quarantine Lister and Cat are roused by the alarm and stare at each other, gloating.)_  
  
**Lister** _(Through the intercom)_ : RIMMEEEEEEER!!  
  
**Rimmer** _(v/o through intercom)_ : I wasn't sleeping!!  
  
_(Lister and Cat giggle.)_  
  
**Lister:** Good, we want breakfast.  
  
_(9. 15 minutes or so later, Rimmer enters quarantine with a breakfast tray. He is trembling slightly.)_  
  
**Rimmer** _(Wry)_ : Dinner is served. _(Puts the tray down.)_  
  
**Kryten:** Space weevil.  
  
**Rimmer** _(annoyed and confused)_ : Shut up … why does he say that?  
  
**Cat** _(checking the breakfast tray)_ **:** He is re-loading his memory, he keeps churning out old toss.  
  
**Rimmer:** I could do with a reload … _(he sits down for a minute and puts his head in his hands.)_  
  
**Cat:** It's fun!! Listen. Name any word from our last 400 years together and see what he replies?  
  
**Rimmer:** Sleep?  
  
**Cat:** What? We never slept together!!

 _(Lister looks at the worn out Rimmer slumped in his chair and begins to gloat.)_  
  
**Lister:** Well, well. Getting tired, Officer Rimmer? Can't handle the pressure? Maybe you're not as tough as you claimed?  
  
_(Rimmer jumps from his chair agitated.)_  
  
**Rimmer** _(Furious)_ : Tired, me? After six nights of saving the ship? Six days of running after your useless smegging arse? Of course not!! Sleep!! Pah!! It's for babies, for weak useless creatures like you Listy!! Not for me the sweet embrace of dreamland, the feeling of your head touching that tantalizingly soft pillow _(he stops dead, almost salivating at the thought, then recovers)_. No, I'm stronger than that. I have priorities and THAT, that is what separates the men from the boys!!  
  
_(He turns round, almost walks into a door and leaves the room. Lister and Cat salute him sarcastically and laugh. Then Lister stops.)_  
  
**Cat:** What? I was enjoying myself!!  
  
**Lister:** I don't know, I've got a feeling we might be taking this too far. I mean, he's been up for six days …  
  
**Cat:** So? He's a hologram!! It won't kill him!!  
  
_(Cat sits down and begins his breakfast.)_  
  
**Lister:** Yeah, but he almost seemed insane just now, do we really want Mr. Flibble to return??!!  
  
**Cat:** I love when he's insane. He's a lot more entertaining!  
  
**Lister:** I don't know, something feels wrong here …  
  
**Cat:** Don't spoil the mood, there's precious little enjoyment here as it is!! Let's just enjoy the show.  
  
**Lister** _(Shrugs and sits down)_ : Ah, you're right man, he's a hologram!! What's the worst that could happen!!  
  
_(10. Day 7, Drive room, Rimmer is furiously taking notes from his books, his projection keeps flickering, then it stops again. The intercom buzzes.)_  
  
**Rimmer** _(throws his pencil away in frustration and wearily walks to the intercom)_ : How is a person supposed to work like this!!  
  
_(Rimmer presses the button.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Yes!!  
  
_(11/12. cut between Lister and Cat talking in quarantine and Rimmer listening in the drive room.)_

 **Lister:** You're supposed to introduce yourself, Officer Rimmer!!! Name and rank!!  
  
**Rimmer:** You know who I am!! There's nobody else here!!

 **Lister:** But Rimmer, you, a Captain breaking Space Corp Directives??!!  
  
**Rimmer:** Look!! _(Trying to think of something nasty, but too tired)_ Oh, what the smeg do you want now??!  
  
**Lister:** Lager and curry!! Thai sour curry, water based with the special sauce!!  
  
**Rimmer:** We ran out of that sauce yesterday and you know it!!  
  
**Lister:** Rimmer, I need that sauce, it clears my sinuses. You need to get some!!  
  
**Rimmer:** But it's all the way down on E deck, it'll take ages!!  
  
_(Rimmer is getting more and more worked up as Lister and Cat continue.)_  
  
**Lister:** Well, I need it!! You get it!!  
  
**Cat:** And I want poached salmon with a salad and a grated cheese side dish!! With Aqua mineral water!!! No soda, I hate it bubbly.  
  
**Lister:** And dessert!! I want pud!!  
  
**Cat:** I want ice-cream!!  
  
**Rimmer** _(Softly)_ : Boys … come a little closer to the intercom and listen to uncle Rimsy!!  
  
_(Cat and Lister do this.)_  
  
**Rimmer** _(Screams at the top of his voice)_ : WILL YOU SHUT UUUP!!  
  
_(Rimmer rips the intercom from the wall, throws it around the room, the alarm goes off. Rimmer is panting loudly.  
The second intercom buzzes, Rimmer walks to it and presses the buzzer still panting.)_  
  
**Cat:** So that's dinner covered, now about breakfast …  
  
_(13. Day 8, Quarantine. Cat and Lister are playing cards. Judging from the pile of Cat jewellery on Lister's side, Cat is losing badly.)_  
  
**Cat:** You just wait buddy, once I understand what those numbers mean I'll beat you!! Big time!!  
  
**Lister:** I've been teaching you this game for 35 years!!  
  
_(The door opens, Rimmer slowly drags himself into quarantine, carrying something that resembles the breakfast tray – whatever he has managed to make looks disgusting. Rimmer himself looks awful and dishevelled. His face is white and there are dark circles under his eyes. For a few seconds he leans heavily against the wall, every movement seems to be a major effort, he sighs.)_  
  
**Rimmer** _(with difficulty)_ : Breakfast!!  
  
_(Lister looks up, annoyed.)_  
  
**Lister:** Rimmer, man, where'veya been? It's nearly noon!!  
  
_(Rimmer drags his weary body to the table and slams the tray bang in the middle of it, ruining the card game much to Listers annoyance. Cat grins and grabs back his things.)_  
  
**Cat:** Thanks, buddy!!  
  
_(Then Lister and Cat look at the tray. Meanwhile,Rimmer is slightly swaying on his feet behind Cat, apparently oblivious to what is being said – he is slowly falling asleep standing up.)_  
  
**Lister:** Rimmer, what's this? I've got fish on me flakes!! Fish, that's disgusting!! I only eat them with grated onions and curry chutney!!  
  
**Cat** _(In absolute disgust)_ : There's milk on my bread and vindaloo in my tea!! And what's this??!! _(He smells the side dish and looks up in disgust.)_ Canine Cuisine biscuits?!!  
  
**Lister** _(Perks up)_ : Oh, I love those biscuits!! Vanilla with bite!!  
  
**Both:** SWAP!!  
  
_(They turn around the tray and Cat joyfully begins to separate the flakes from his fish. He stops dead when he suddenly notices a pressure on his head. It's Rimmer, he's fallen asleep and his head is now resting on Cat's bouffant hairdo. Lister gapes open mouthed.)_  
  
**Cat:** Now, I see you looking and I am feeling the pressure, so I guess what I'm about to ask makes sense: _(he pauses slightly, unable to say it)_ Has goalpost head fallen asleep on my hair??!!  
  
**Lister:** No … no …  
  
**Cat:** Why you saying no when I can feel the bastard??!! My head ain't no place for catnaps!!

 _(Cat pushes Rimmer off, Rimmer lands on a chair. He wakes up confused, then the alarm goes off once more. This is too much for him, Rimmer breaks and bursts into tears.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Oh God!! Please make it stop!!  
  
_(Suddenly his projection flickers again, much stronger than ever before. Rimmer grabs his stomach in agony and falls from his chair, moaning in pain. Lister and Cat jump up and look on horrified. Lister runs to him.)_  
  
**Lister:** What's going on? Rimmer, are you okay??!!  
  
**Rimmer** _(Brushing him of)_ : Don't worry, I'm fine!!  
  
**Cat:** I've seen many versions of fine, but this ain't one of them!!  
  
_(The flickering and the pain slowly seem to fade.)_  
  
**Lister:** Rimmer, what's wrong with you?!!  
  
**Rimmer** _(Faux light-heartedness)_ : Nothing Listy … I … well, I'm … I'm too tired for an explanation, you'll get one next week!! I've got to go now, Toodlepipski!!  
  
_(Rimmer slowly crawls to the door.)_  
  
**Lister:** Rimmer, you're crawling …  
  
**Rimmer** _(dazed)_ : So I'm … Not walking then …?  
  
**Cat:** Nope …  
  
_(Rimmer tries to get up, but it's too hard.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Boys, give me a hand here please, would you?!!  
  
_(Lister grabs Rimmer's arm and jumps back in horror: he burned himself.)_  
  
**Lister:** My God, man, you're burning!!  
  
_(Cat touches Rimmer's forehead and burns himself as well. A flash from Rimmers H goes through him. Cat is horrified and puts his hand in the water jar.)_  
  
**Lister** _(Still trying to get Rimmer up.)_ Rimmer, we need to get out of here!! Something is obviously wrong with you. We're better, we can help you.  
  
_(Rimmer finally stands, but unsteadily. Lister looks him in the eye, finally seeing Rimmer's haggard face and gasps.)  
  
_ **Lister:** Oh Smeg, Rimmer! You're really ill! Sit down, you can lay in my bed. Sleep, forget the smegging alarm.  
  
 **Rimmer:** No, it's fine, I'm tickety-boo. Have to go now, ship's waiting.  
   
**Cat** _(Looking for a second)_ : Now, I'm no doctor, but that sure don't look healthy _(He grabs a bit of fish from his plate and nibbles.)_

 **Rimmer** _(Wild eyed and in a strange spaced out Ace Rimmer voice)_ : It doesn't matter. I've got it all under control. I know my goal in life now. Keeping my boys safe!! That is how I'll be remembered. This is my destiny!! Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back for breakfast!!  
  
_(Too stunned to move or speak Lister and Cat watch as Rimmer stumbles out of the room. Then they turn round as one to Kryten.)_  
  
**Both:** KRYTEN WAKE UP!!  
  
**Kryten:** Losing at cards again, Mr Cat?  
  
**Cat:** Hey, that's today!!  
  
**Lister:** Nah, could be any day!!  
  
_(Cat checks Kryten's charge programme and smiles.)_  
  
**Cat** _(More insistent)_ : Hey! That's! Today!!  
  
_(Lister joins Cat at Kryten's charge programme and cheers.)_  
  
**Lister:** Yes!! Only 5% and we're out of here!!  
  
_(14. Quarantine, later. Kryten has woken and been informed of Rimmer's condition. Lister sits at the table, his head in his hands, while Kryten is berating himself for failing Mr. Rimmer. Cat is observing all of this from a slight distance, filing his nails.)_  
  
**Kryten:** I forgot holo-overload!! I can't believe I've been so stupid. What an idiot droid I am!! Oh if only I'd told him before my shutdown. Oh, what have I done!!  
  
**Lister** _(looking up, frustrated)_ : Oh shut up Kryten!! Howdya think I feel? Atleast you've got an excuse!! All he wanted was a quiet morning in bed, instead he got 192 hours of hell!! Worst thing is … I was never really ill!!

 **Kryten:** I beg your pardon sir?  
  
**Lister:** Well, when he was ranting about his exams again I just didn't fancy doing shift with him, so when Cat got ill I thought I'd join him in quarantine!!  
  
**Kryten** : But sir, you knew I'd be shut down too, that he'd have to do everything by himself?  
  
**Lister:** That was supposed to be a joke, a bit of fun. He's a smegging hologram!! I didn't know about holo-overload!! I've taken it to far.  
  
**Cat:** Can I just interject something important here???  
  
**Kryten:** Of-course, sir!!  
  
**Cat:** What the hell is holo-overload??  
  
**Kryten:** Well, because Mr Rimmer has been working day and night non stop _(both Kryten and Cat stare at Lister accusingly for a brief second)_ he has taken too much energy from the ship. The ship is now making Mr Rimmer ill by taking back the energy. As Mr Rimmer is too weakened by the exhaustion, he has no strength to fight back. So the ship will slowly and painfully drain his life away. And in the end shut him down.

 **Lister:** You are joking?!!  
  
**Kryten:** Absolutely not sir!!  
  
**Lister:** The ship will slowly and painfully drain his life away? _(Kryten nods)_ I did it again, didn't I? I killed him, again!! Unbe-smegging-lievable!!  
  
**Kryten:** And getting better at it too, may I add!!

 **Cat:** Can I just interject something important here???  
  
**Kryten:** Of-course, sir!!  
  
**Cat:** Instead of standing here wailing, why don't you try and stop it?!!  
  
**Lister** _(jumping from his chair)_ : Smegging right, we're getting out of here!!  
  
**Kryten:** But Sirs, we're quarantined, there is no way for us to get out, not until we've had our check up!!  
  
**Lister:** Let me think!!  
  
**Cat:** This might get boring, but: can I just interject something important here???  
  
**Lister:** Now what do you want??!!  
  
**Cat:** When we were here last time we got out through a code, has condom head not stored it in his memory??!!  
  
**Kryten:** An amazing remark indeed sir and yes, I distinctly recall seeing it during my reload. I'll do a quick search.  
  
_(Lister stares at Cat in shock and amazement, his look annoys Cat.)_  
  
**Cat** _(hissing)_ : What?  
  
**Lister:** I dunno man, when he finds the code I think you should stay here, you must still be unwell!!  
  
**Cat** _(insulted)_ : What? Just because I found a solution and your stupid monkey brain couldn't?? Just because I act stupid doesn't mean I ain't clever!! I simply save it for special occasions.

 _(15. The Drive room. An expressionless Rimmer watches the monitor and steers. Focussed, unblinking and patient. Cat, Lister and Kryten enter, ready to take charge. Then they see Rimmer and for a second just watch as they see him navigate the ship past comets and black holes, silently and unhesitatingly.)_  
  
**Lister:** Wow!! I mean, I never expected, I never knew!!  
  
**Kryten** _(emotional)_ : Oh darn it Mr Lister, if he survives this you HAVE to tell him!!  
  
**Lister:** Oh smeg, I think he deserves it …  
  
**Cat:** Right, can we now get him before there's no-one to tell it to?!!  
  
**Kryten** _(looking at the readings)_ : We can't get him now, he can't leave his post or we'll all get sucked in a black hole!!  
  
**Lister:** What?!!  
  
**Cat:** You mean we can't save the guy from dying because it could kill us? What the hell did you make us break out for?? Can't I just bump him from the seat and take over?!

 **Kryten:** The computer won't recognise you Sir.  
  
**Cat** _(angry)_ : There isn't a computer in the universe that can forget this!! _(Points at himself.)_  
  
_(Rimmer's projection starts flickering again. He sighs and slightly moans, clearly in pain, but never breaks his focus.)_  
  
**Kryten:** It's almost over …  
  
**Cat:** For us or for him??!!  
  
_(The flickering stops. Then the sign flashes: “SAFE”. IT'S OVER!! Suddenly Rimmer, ecstatic with joy and clearly on the edge of a breakdown begins to giggle/laugh uncontrollably.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** Oh my God!! I did it, I saved us!! _(He repeats this a few times, then turns around in his chair and sees the others staring at him.)_ Guys, did you see that!! I did it, I really did it!!  
  
_(For a few seconds the others don't know what to say, then Lister steps forward.)_  
  
**Lister:** Rimmer, that was brilliant!! You saved us!! You're … you're Ace, a hero!!!  
  
_(Hearing these words from Lister, Rimmer's pale lips form into a smile and he stares at him with grateful eyes.)  
  
_**Rimmer** _(softly)_ : Lister ...  
   
**Kryten** _(following Listers lead, emotional)_ : I'm so proud of you Sir!!  
  
_(Rimmer looks happy, despite his exhaustion. Then he looks at Cat who has said nothing yet and seems deep in thought. Cat looks at the others, for some reason he doesn't want to say anything. The glare of the gang annoys him, so he resigns to saying;)_  
  
**Cat:** Alright!! Well done buddy you did brilliant!!  
  
**Rimmer:** I don't believe it!!

 _(Rimmer shakily gets off his chair, Kryten comes to his aid and supports him. Cat and Lister see how his image begins to flicker again, turning him almost see through. Rimmer winces in pain.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** So … I did something right? I really am a hero??!!  
  
_(All mutter stuff agreeing with him, and praising him.)_  
  
**Rimmer** _(Smiles)_ : Part of the posse at last …  
  
_(His image flickers once more, then freezes as he collapses to the floor, unconscious. Kryten sits down next to him and cradles him.)_  
  
**Cat:** Right. And THAT is why I didn't want to praise the guy!!  
  
**Lister:** What do you mean?  
  
**Cat:** Isn't it obvious? If I'd said something stupid he'd have gotten wired and gathered the energy to argue back. You say he's a hero what's he got left to fight for?  
  
**Lister** _(Whines)_ :Could you please be an idiot again? You're driving me nuts!!  
  
**Kryten:** Mr Lister, Mr Cat Sirs!! Mr Rimmer is losing conciousness fast, we need to get him to sickbay now!!  
  
_(16. Sickbay Rimmer is in a hospital bed, delirious. Lister sits next to Rimmer's bed, wetting Rimmer's dry lips with a cotton ball. Cat lays in the bed besides them, while Kryten is checking the readings.)_  
  
**Lister:** What's going on, how is he?!!  
  
**Kryten:** It's bad Sir …  
  
**Lister:** No!!  
  
**Kryten:** Mr Rimmer appears to have given up on life, Sir!!  
**  
Lister** _(horrified)_ : Kryten!! Are you still on recharge? This is Rimmer we're talking about!! No one’s ever been able to get rid of him! He wouldn't give up on life even if it killed him!!  
  
_(Rimmer feverishly mumbles things.)_  
  
**Rimmer:** I'm sorry father, don't hit me … I'll pass, one day I'll pass. Lister ... need to tell ... Lis ... My exams … Must be ... must be an officer … I did it, a hero …  
_(He opens his eyes and looks around, stares at Lister)_ I'm done with being an adult, if anybody needs me I'll be in my sofa fort … _(He sits up and smiles at Cat)_ Nirvannah!!  
  
_(Cat stares at Rimmer open mouthed for a second. He swallows and then speaks.)  
  
_ ****Cat:** ** Yes … Arnie …?  
**  
** ****Rimmer:** ** Are you truly here?  
**  
** ****Cat:** ** Yes my love, I am always with you. But ...  
  
**Rimmer:** You know?  
  
**Cat:** I do ... It's all right. Don't be ashamed -tell him!!  
  
**Rimmer:** But he'll just laugh at me!!  
  
**Cat:** You're his hero now ...  
  
 _(For a second Rimmer looks at Lister again.)  
  
_ **Lister:** Rimmer?  
  
 **Rimmer** _(Sighs)_ : Listy ...

 _(Rimmer falls back in the pillow with a smile, his eyes close. Cat too collapses on his bed for a second. Lister beckons Kryten.)_  
**  
** ****Lister:** ** Kryten tell me RIGHT NOW!!! What the smeg's wrong with the Cat? _  
_**_  
_ ** ****Kryten:** ** As far as I can see Mr Lister: The virus from the poisoned fabric has reached his brain and has heightened his natural perception. Receiving a shock from Mr Rimmer has given them an almost psychic connection.  
**  
** ****Lister:** ** Why can't anyone ever get anything simple and normal around here like a cold or a flue? Last time I sneezed my bacteria performed scenes from Les Miserables!!  
**  
** ****Cat**** _(Suddenly sits up)_ : Hey, dildo head, check your readings, something bad is going down with Captain Sadness!!  
  
(K _ryten quickly turns to the monitor and sees that Rimmer's readings are getting weaker.)_  
**  
** ****Kryten** ** _(tense)_ : Mr Rimmer is lapsing into a coma, Sirs not long now before … !!

 ****Lister** ** **_(_** _Jumps from his chair and starts shaking Rimmer.)_ : Don't you dare you smeghead!! You die and I swear I'll murder you!! _(To Cat and Kryten)_ What do I do, how can I stop this?!! He can't die because of a smegging prank!! What do I do?  
  **  
******Cat:**** Just be yourself!!  
**  
** ****Lister:**** What? **  
  
** ****Cat:** ** Tell him things you did that annoyed him, he'll wake up!! I tell you, it's the only way!! **  
  
** ****Kryten:**** Mr Cat is right sir, Mr Rimmer feels he has nothing left to fight for. He feels he is done and is too exhausted. He needs his fighting spirit now to draw his energy back to him and only you can bring it out in him!! _(Pause)_ Sir, I think this is the moment you should … tell him!! **  
  
** ****Lister:**** Tell him what, Kryten?

 ****Cat:**** That bad thing you keep whinging about of course. Buddy you're slow!!

 ****Lister** ** _(realises)_ : No, no!! I can't, I can't do that … If he wakes up … he'll kill me!!  
**  
** ****Cat:** ** Great, now tell him!! If only for my sake!! Because I still don't know what you're talking about!!  
  
_(Rimmer's projection is flashing again, Rimmer is clearly in a lot of pain.)_  
**  
** ****Kryten:**** If you're planning on doing anything I'd do it now, sir!!  
  
****Lister** ** _(Sits down again and grabs Rimmer's hand)_ : Rimmer, Rimmer, wake up!! Listen to me!! You can't die!! I … _(realises_ ) I … need you!! I need your stupid rules, your pettiness. Smeg, if it wasn't for you I'd have drunk myself into oblivion and stayed in bed forever the day I left stasis. You always put a fire under my arse!! It's nothing without you. You can't die!!  
  
_(Rimmer weakly opens his eyes and stares at Lister. He looks at Lister and smiles, serenely.)_ **  
  
** ****Lister:**** Rimmer, you're back.  
  
_(Despite him waking up, the beeps on his readings indicate that Rimmer is still getting weaker. Kryten gestures to Lister that it is now or never.)_ **  
  
** ****Lister:**** Rimmer, I'm sorry man, about lots of things. You don't know but last week… I was the one who left those stains in your bed, I blamed The Cat, but … **  
  
** ****Cat**** _(Jumps from the bed)_ : You did what? No wonder Alphabet-head looked at me as if I was filth!! You're ruining my reputation!! **  
  
** ****Lister:**** Shut up. Rimmer, did you hear what I said??!!  
  
_(No response, Rimmer just stares.)_ **  
  
** ****Kryten:** ** He is catatonic Sir, but he can hear, go on!! The big one, come on!! **  
  
** ****Lister:**** Rimmer … do you remember … twenty three years ago … - or whatever that is in our time - when … when you had that brain scan … **  
  
** ****Cat:** ** Twenty three years!! _(Chanting to himself like a cheerleader)_ He's gonna kill him, he's gonna kill him!! **  
  
** ****Lister:** ** Well, Kryten … Kryten discovered you have a flaw in your brain that blocks you from reaching your true goals, like … like passing your exams. It's some sort of mutated self hate. He said he could do a simple procedure to remove the blockage and after that you could do it all no problem … I said he shouldn't tell you, because at that time I thought I really hated you. And … Well after that, things changed of course and, well, we couldn't tell you anymore because I was scared y'd hate me. It's all my fault, I ordered Kryten to do it!!  
  
_(There is still no response for Rimmer. Lister jumps up.)_ **  
  
** ****Lister:**** Rimmer, don't you see? I held you back man, you could have been an officer, a captain twenty three ago, but I blocked you … _(Rimmer still smiles at him serenely. Lister breaks down.)_ Ah, stop smiling man!! Insult me, yell at me, hit me, strangle me for all I care!! Anything but this!!  
  
_(Cat is getting fed up and pushes Lister away.)_ **  
  
** ****Cat:** ** Out of the way, buddy!! This asks for the special approach!! _(He grabs Rimmer by his collar and forces him towards him.)_ Now you listen up buddy, and you listen up good!! You heard what monkey boy said just now? You didn't hear that? Then let me spell it out: Dog-food-breath here just cost you years of your life!! You could have been at the top, but no, he kept you back. He ruined your so called life. _(Rimmer still smiles, but something clicks. Cat gets bored and pushes Rimmer away.)_ This is a waste of time, the guy's an idiot!! Anything else to do here?  
  
_(As Cat walks away Rimmer begins to blink, Cat has gotten through. The machine indicates growing strength.)_ **  
  
** ****Lister:**** No, Cat, wait, something's happening!! I think you saved his life!! **  
  
** ****Cat** ** _(turning around)_ : Wow, I'm on fire today!! **  
  
** ****Rimmer:** ** Am I getting this correct Lister …? _(Lister hears a slight hint of anger in Rimmers voice and gulps 'uh,oh!!')_ I could have passed my exams twenty three years ago … _(The serenity fades from his face as he repeat in a furious tone)_ I COULD HAVE PASSED MY EXAMS TWENTY THREE YEARS AGO???!! _(He jumps from his bed and grabs Lister by the throat, almost hyperventilating with anger. Kryten desperately tries to get Rimmer off Lister. Cat does nothing, he's just enjoying the show.)_ Have you any idea what you've done to me!! Have you any idea of the hell I've been through for all those years?? **  
  
** ****Lister** ** _(Strangled)_ : Rimmer, I know, I'm sorry man!! I was an idiot, I'll make it up to ya!!  
  
_(Breathless from too much exertion Rimmer collapses backwards in Krytens arms.)_ **  
**

****Cat:** ** Oh drat, I was enjoying that!!  
  
_(Despite his exhaustion Rimmer is clearly stronger then he was earlier as he stares at Lister challengingly.)_ **  
  
** ****Rimmer:** ** HOW?!! **  
  
** ****Lister:**** I'll let Kryten cure your brain, I'll look after you, you'll be an officer!! I'll make sure you can study. I'll change, I'll be good. I won't whine, I won't bully you, I'll obey. Anythink!!  
  
_(Kryten tucks Rimmer back into bed.)_ **  
  
** ****Rimmer:** ** Naah, you're just saying that because you're feeling guilty. It'll be over in less than a day!! **  
  
** ****Lister:** ** No, I mean it man!! Forever, _(holds his fingers up)_ Scouts honour!!  
**  
** ****Rimmer:**** You were never in the Scouts!! **  
  
** ****Lister:**** On Kochanski's life, I swear!!  
  
_(They all stare at him. “WHAT?!!”)_  
**  
** ****Rimmer** ** _(shocked)_ : I believe you!! Forever!! _(To the others)_ You're my witnesses?!! **  
**

****Kryten:** ** Yes sir, Mr Lister gave his word. He'll be good to you!! **  
  
** ****Cat** ** _(Grins)_ : He said it!! _(Smiles even wider)_ I'm gonna be enjoying this!!  
  
_(17. Six days later.  
  
Corridor. The song “Donkey Serenade” by Mario Lanza is blaring loudly, Kryten is mopping the floor in time with the song, Lister stands next to him a posh cup of tea in his hand, Cat is filming them with a camera.) _ **  
  
** ****Lister**** _(Exasperated)_ : Six days, it's been six days!! **  
  
** ****Kryten:** ** Now, now do not make such a fuss Mr Lister, Mr Rimmer has been asleep for most of them!! **  
  
** ****Lister:**** But does he have to play that song!! On and on and on!! Six days!! **  
  
** ****Kryten:** ** The song seems to help Mr Rimmer, Sir, and technically he's been playing it for only three days. If I could get pedantic about this I would say: I operated Mr Rimmer the day of his collapse, he then spent the next three consecutive days asleep recovering from both sleep deprivation, illness, a nervous breakdown and the surgery. Even now he's barely awake for more than four hours of each day and spends most of his time reading!! **  
  
** ****Lister:**** But when he's awake he's so totally, utterly and completely … nice!! He's warm, gentle and cuddly!! I can't take much more of this, I want the old Rimmer back! **  
  
** ****Cat**** _(Puts a microphone under Listers mouth)_ : Three days hardly compares to twenty three years of lies, now, does it? **  
  
** ****Lister:** ** And that's another thing, when is that bloody Cat gonna stop being clever? He's driving me crazy, he's been following me with that smegging camera for days, he's even been interviewing me!!  
**  
** ****Cat:** ** I'm an investigative journalist!! Stuff like this should be recorded for posterity. And for a good laugh in years to come!! **  
  
** ****Lister:** ** This is hell, it must be!! **  
  
** ****Kryten:** ** His exams are tomorrow sir and he'll be an officer then ... **  
  
** ****Lister** ** _(Sighs, stares at the tea)_ : Better bring this to him now ... **  
**

****Kryten:** ** Now, Mr Lister, shall I bring in that cup for you? _(Checks the tea and is taken aback)_ Or a fresh one instead? **  
  
** ****Lister:**** No, It's my punishment, I have to take it!!

 ****Kryten:** ** But Sir, I have to insist!! It's beyond lukewarm, I cannot bear bad tea to be served!!  
**  
** ****Lister:**** I'm serving the smegging tea!! **  
  
** ****Kryten:** ** Let me at-least warm it sir!!

 _(He wants to warm the tea with his finger lighter, Lister refuses to give it, burns himself, drops the cup, the cup breaks. Cat points the camera at the cup.)_ **  
  
** ****Cat:** ** And now no-one's serving tea. **  
  
** ****Lister** ** _(stares at the cup, horrified)_ : Kryten, what did you do?!! Rimmer's favourite cup, oh no, he's gonna think I did that on purpose!!  
  
_(Lister walks off, Cat rushes after him with the camera.)_ **  
  
** ****Kryten**** _(Cheerful)_ : More cleaning, how delightful!! _(He begins to clean the mess, whistling and sweeping in time with the music.)_  
  
_(18.  
Rimmer sits in bed in the officers bedroom in his pyjamas, propped up by lots of pillows, his head bandaged. He is still pale, with dark circles under his eyes but seems very content despite all this. He has his glasses on and books spread out all around him, “Donkey Serenade” is blaring. He's holding a book he is reading with one hand while “conducting” the song with the other. Lister enters sheepishly, with a mug of tea, Rimmer closes the book cheerfully, takes of his glasses and smiles at Lister.) _ **  
  
** ****Rimmer** ** _(Cheerful)_ : Ah, good morning Listy, isn't it a great day?!! **  
  
** ****Lister:**** Rimmer, I … I accidentally broke your favourite cup man. It really was an accident. It was getting cold then Kryten … **  
  
** ****Rimmer:**** That's okay Lister … **  
  
** ****Lister:**** What? **  
  
** ****Rimmer:**** Well, it was obviously an accident. _(Smiles)_ Can't be helped, eh …  
  
_(The Donkey serenade starts again. Lister cringes.)_ **  
  
** ****Lister:** ** Rimmer, what is it with you and that song?? **  
  
** ****Rimmer** ** _(pats his bed)_ : Sit down Listy!!  
**  
** ****Lister** ** _(does so, shaking his head)_ : This is all wrong … **  
**

****Rimmer:**** I have always identified with this song … **  
  
** ****Lister:** ** A guy singing about a donkey?? **  
  
** ****Rimmer:**** It's more than that Lister. It's about a man who is rejected by his chosen lady and decides to sing his serenade to a donkey instead. I always felt that I connected with the failure of the man: being reduced to sing a love song to a mule??!! But after my surgery I played it to help me focus and then something hit me!! There is a deeper message, a meaning that I never heard. The man does not give up!! He settles for what he has and takes joy in his failure, hoping, nay, knowing it will eventually lead him to his goal … _(He stares at Lister for a few seconds)_ See Lister? It inspires me!! **  
  
** ****Lister** ** _(Scoffs)_ : Wow, Rimmer that's deep!! Especially as it's such a smegging stupid song!!

 _(Rimmer looks taken aback but remains silent. Lister clearly expected Rimmer to bite back and feels uncomfortable by Rimmer's silence.)_ **  
  
** ****Lister:** ** So … exams then … tomorrow …? **  
  
** ****Rimmer** ** _(Quietly, opening his book)_ : Yes …  
  
_(Cat jumps in filming, and puts a microphone to Rimmer.)_ **  
  
** ****Cat:**** So, how do you feel about that?  
  
_(19.  
The next morning.  
Corridor, Kryten pushes Rimmer, who sits in a wheelchair, looking the same as the day before, only now with a dressing-gown covering his pyjamas and a blanket covering his legs. Lister and Cat – with camera- follow them.) _ **  
  
** ****Kryten**** _(worried)_ : Sir, I do wish you'd rescheduled your exams. You are still very ill, the pressure could be too much for you. **  
  
** ****Rimmer:**** I told you: I made a vow!! No excuses this time!! **  
  
** ****Kryten:** ** This would not technically be an excuse, Sir, you nearly died this week. **  
  
** ****Rimmer:**** All the more reason to push through. A fourth chance at life … Not many people have that!! _(they have reached the exam hall.)_ Wheel me in, Kryten. _(To Lister and Cat)_ Wish me luck!! **  
  
** ****Lister:**** I'm supposed to look after him!! **  
  
** ****Kryten:** ** No non exam taking humans allowed, I'm afraid, sir. For the duration of the exam Mr Rimmer is in my care.  
  
 _(Kryten grabs the wheelchair.)  
  
_ **Lister** : Wait! _(He kneels next in front of Rimmer and grabs his hand)_ Good luck Rimmer, I mean it!  
  
 _(Rimmer smiles, there are tears in his eyes.)  
  
_ **Rimmer:** Thank you, Listy ... **  
  
**_(Kryten wheels Rimmer into the room tutting and shaking his head, leaving Lister and Cat in the hallway.  
  
20/21. Rimmer sits alone in the middle of the giant 'classroom', he opens the exam envelope. Kryten sits in a corner watching him.  
Montage: Rimmer takes the exam. Kryten often fusses around him, mopping his brow, letting him drink something through a straw and fanning him. Despite visibly physically suffering and often rubbing his eyes, Rimmer seems focused and driven.  
  
In the hallway Lister is worriedly pacing the floor, while an oblivious Cat is laughing watching the playback screen of the camera, enjoying recordings he made.)  
  
(22. Three hours later, Rimmer is at the end of his exam, writing his final sentence, _ _Kryten is still hovering next to him.)_ **  
  
** ****Rimmer**** _(_ _after placing the last dot.)_ : Done. _(A deep sigh. Exhausted he lays his head down onto his arms.)_ Put it in the Assessor for me please, would you Kryten? **  
  
** ****Kryten** ** _(taking the papers)_ : Certainly Sir.  
  
_(23. 15 minutes later, they are all lined up in the assembly room, Rimmer still in his wheelchair, he looks ghostly white and painfully exhausted. They are waiting for the Assessor to speak.)_ **  
  
** ****Assessor:** ** All rise, please!!  
  
_(Kryten helps Rimmer stand up, Rimmer forces himself unsteadily into standing to attention as good as he can manage. He is shaking with tiredness and Lister throws him a worried glance.)_ **  
  
** ****Assessor:**** It is with great pleasure that we can announce that Second Technician Arnold J. Rimmer has passed his exams and will now be elevated to … FIRST Technician!!  
  
_(Rimmer slowly raises his fist in victory and smiles; Lister is aghast.)_ **  
  
** ****Lister:**** First Technician???!!! All this to become first technician?!! **  
  
** ****Rimmer** ** _(emotional)_ : I can't believe it!! I passed an exam!! The first time ever!!

 ****Lister:** ** I thought you wanted to be an officer??  
**  
******Rimmer** ** _(Weary but smiling)_ : All in good time Lister, all in good time … He settles for what he has and takes joy in his failure, hoping, nay, knowing it will eventually lead him to his goal … In my own time.  
  
_(Rimmer tries to give his big salute, but sways, Kryten keeps moving in time with him hoping to catch him where he to fall/faint, and manages to grab him once he does. Putting him back in his wheelchair he tucks his blanket round him.)_ **  
  
** ****Kryten** ** _(petting him)_ : There, there Sir, all safe now. Well done on those exams!! **  
  
** ****Cat** ** _(Cheerful to Lister)_ : If he isn't an officer YOU are still bound to your promise!! **  
  
** ****Kryten:**** The next exam will be in six month eight days and five hours!!  
  
_(Lister begins to head-but a door in frustration.)_ **  
  
** ****Cat:**** This is great, what a beat buddy!! Let's celebrate.  
  
_(Cat presses a button on the camera and an upbeat r &b version of Donkey Serenade starts playing, to which Cat performs.  
  
_ _There's a song in the air,  
But the fair señorita  
Doesn't seem to care  
For the song in the air.  
So I'll sing to the mule  
If you're sure she won't think that I am just a fool  
Serenading a mule.  
  
Amigo mio, does she not have a dainty bray?  
She listens carefully to each little word we play.  
La bella señorita?  
Si, si, mi muchachito,  
She'd love to sing it too if only she knew the way.  
But try as she may,  
In her voice there's a flaw!  
And all that the lady can say Is "e-e-aw!"  
Senorita donkey sita, not so fleet as a mosquito,  
But so sweet like my Chiquita,  
You're the one for me.  
  
There's a light in her eye,  
Tho' she may try to hide it,  
She cannot deny,  
There's a light in her eye.  
Oh! the charm of her smile  
So beguiles all who see her  
That they'd ride a mile  
For the charm of her smile.  
  
Amigo mio, is she listenin' to my song?  
No, no, mi muchachito, how could you be so wrong?  
La bella señorita?  
Si, si, la señorita,  
She loves to sing it to me  
If only she knew all the words,  
  
Her face is a dream  
Like an angel I saw!  
But all that my darlin' can scream  
Is: "e-e-aw!"  
Señorita donkey sita, not so fleet as a mosquito,  
But so sweet like my Chiquita,  
You're the one for me.) _

 

End of part 1

**Author's Note:**

> As a psychologist the mind of Arnold Rimmer has always fascinated me. In fact, growing up, it was being a fan of the shows Red Dwarf (and Brittas Empire) that sparked my interest in psychology: understanding someone’s mind and psyche. The usage of actual psychological research is very cleverly weaved into the storylines of both shows to explain the characters and their behaviour.
> 
> Years ago I begun jotting down some ideas for Red Dwarf fanfiction. Sadly circumstances beyond my control stopped me from finishing them in fact they stopped me from writing altogether.  
> Thankfully, late last year the series also inspired me to return to writing again as I suddenly found myself thinking up storylines again. Sub-sequentially finding back a book of old notes I once made told me I should give it a go.  
> I hope it worked.
> 
> Thank you so much to emergencyfruit for reading my story and suggesting edits. It really helped me to get back into writing and add the extras the storyline needed.


End file.
